So I tweaked a back muscle when I was throwing up today…I’m always keeping it classy. I’m going to guess I have a real problem since I kept throwing up even though it hurt. (Excuse me while I point out the obvious I.E. having a problem, a duh!) What’s funny is today I went shopping for all new health stuffs so I can lose weight in a healthful manner. Buying things don’t help until I fix me. And I can’t fix me until I stop seeing someone different than who I am in the mirror. Maybe I’ll just close my eyes and run into things instead of looking in the mirror….
I haven’t been posting in a while and for that I apolgize to not only my followers but also to myself.(BTW Hey new followers!) I got food poisoning from Panda Express and from there I just started tumbling down. I had to throw up my food due to illness and from there I let the illness of Bulimia run rampant. It was a truly terrible time. I’m finally again in the state of mind to attempt to recover. My ears hurt, my jaw hurts, my stomach hurts and I fear the health of my teeth. It’s time to put my badass glasses on and kick this mother fuckers ass! Let’s go!
In 30 days I will be 20 years old and ending my 8th year as a bulimic. (yes I did start right around my birthday) 8 years. I can’t even fathom how I let it be that bad for so long. I started being insecure about my weight when I was 9 years old, as of May 27th I will have spent more than half of my life hating the girl in the mirror. I don’t hate myself, I think that’s a common misconception with this illness, I hate how I look and I’ve tried to change it and I fail and go back to throwing up instead. I can’t live like this anymore, I just can’t do it. I need to nut up and beat 7 shades of shit out of this thing before it ruins the life I have left. So today will be the last day for the next 30 days that I will throw up. For the next 30 days I’m going to eat healthy and exercise right and beat this thing once and for all. I will probably daily bitch and moan about how I wish to purge and if you want to unfollow me, do it because for once I’m not doing anything for anyone else. This is for me and I will win.
So I was doing super awesome. I think I’ve gone about 2 weeks without throwing up, mostly because I stopped trying to do everything at once I had to focus on the bulimia before I could exercise and so forth. Anyway so I was doing super well I was like YEAH BITCHES CHECK ME OUT!! Then I ate Chinese and it gave me food poisoning and I had to throw up, which when you’re throwing up do to being sick physically and not mentally it SUUUUCKS! So you’re probs thinking well girl, you were sick it wasn’t your bulimia it’s okay! Well the next day even though I was feeling better I throw up my lunch because I think in my head I made myself think I was still sick. Blah. On the positive 1 hour work out today, can I get a hell yeah!?
It’s a strange feeling when you for an hour or so can forget everything you hate about your self and just be you. I don’t know if it happens to anyone else, so do enlighten me but whenever I’m surrounded by people I forget how much I find this body to be disgusting. I mean not to toot my own horn but this bitch is hilarious and I don’t have problems meeting people when I have to courage to go out and seek people out. And when I do, when I finally talk to that person that once seemed elusive and make friends in that moment I’m like yeah! You go girl! You’re on fire they think you’re awesome! and you are! Then I go home and look in the mirror and I’m like meh. I don’t understand why they’d want to hang out with me and be friends with me, who wants to be seen with this? Who wants to deal with the drama-rama of something with an eating disorder. Sometimes I even try to run away from me, it doesn’t work probably because I hate running with a fiery passion and just give up. Anyway, that’s really it. Though today I put all my fears aside and went after a client that is gorgeous and normally rejection from work doesn’t bother me, but being rejected by a model? Gah. My fears kick in, hope I can keep my lunch down.
I’ve been away for awhile lost in work, school and life drama. The purging has decreased but not by much and I pretend I’m okay but I’m not. I’m not okay with who I am right now, I don’t like my outside. I tried to claw out of my body the other day. I clawed and scratched trying to get out because this body doesn’t match who I am. And now I’m just tired, tired of all of this so I’m going to sleep and start again tomorrow and hopefully be better because all I have left is hope
Sometimes the mind seriously amazes me. I fell of the wagon meaning, this bitch got sick and couldn’t work out last week and then this bitch was like fuuuuck working out this week too just get me a cheeseburger stat! So I would try to throw up, right? and then strangely my body would not do it, I’d throw up a little bit then BAM nothing. But then today I stepped on the scale and I gained 6 pounds and I was like :O well hell and I threw up everything. When I was 6 pounds lighter because in the back of my head I wanted to beat bulimia I didn’t purge but as soon as I saw those 6 pounds I flipped my shit and threw up. Low and behold I woke up the next morning and only really gained about 2 pounds, which was probs water weight and I relapsed completely for nothing. fml.
Actually…to be honest it’s not at all funny but that’s what people say right before they tell you something sad so they can be ironic, which if you think about it it’s really stupid. Anyway, when you’re bulimic you except the usual, eroded teeth, ruining your throat, voice altering, you know the usual. You never think that it’s going to ruin your ears so you’ll have to get tubes put in them. I can’t really hear very well right now, which man it’s so annoying to talk to me I wouldn’t even want to do it.
Them: Bunch of words
Them:Bunch more words
Them: ANGRY BUNCH OF WORDS!
Me: Ooooooh I get it now, the answer is no you can not eat my last poptart GET OUT MAH FAAAAAAAAACE!
When you break and you don’t let anyone else see that you’ve broken you’re the only one left to pick up the pieces and put yourself back together. And what no one realizes is that it’s hard, when you start you think “oh I can do this I’m stronger than this” and then you fall and you fall hard. Every time you fall, you fall harder and it hurts more. 7 years, I’ve been falling for 7 years and not the down the rabbit hole fun time falling but the terrible kind, where there is no wonderland at the end. There’s a toilet which for most people it’s just a toilet but for a bulimic that toilet is your best friend and your enemy. You try to break up with it like “hey bitch I don’t need you” but then it brings you back to it with its promise of being thin or perfect, I mean I was stupid enough to over eat I shouldn’t blame the toilet. So that’s where we come back to the broken, I’m broken I sit here in my broken self and they say admitting is the first step which is bullshit the first step would be to take a step back from the toilet. And I mean I’ve tried, many times but I’m broken so I go back to the abuse. I mean I am self abusing, I’m ruining my body, my throat hurts, my ears hurt, my teeth are eroding, my stomach aches and I’ve screwed up my hormones with all of this but I keep going back and doing it again because after all that I feel my stomach empty and it feels good. So I need to stop but I don’t want to stop, I want to feel good and when I binge like an idiot to feel good I have to throw up. So my first step isn’t backing away from the toilet or admitting it I’ve tried that it doesn’t work. This time my first step is going to be acceptance I accept that I’m broken and from acceptance I hope to have rehabilitation.
The first day of rehabilitation. I’m sitting here on my bed attempting not to get up and go to the bathroom. I’ve suffered from bulimia from the age of 13-16 steadily and intermittent relapses until 6 months ago when it fully came back worse than before. I used to throw up maybe 4 meals a week then it became 6 and so forth until it’s been every meal for the past 3 weeks. I physically can’t keep my food down. I can throw up just thinking about it, something I taught myself years ago that I now regret. I’m trying to change my life again for me. Let’s see how this all goes. Tomorrow I’ll post the reasons I fell into it because this blog is for me and to fix me I need to get to the root of the problem. I’m tired of living my life next to a toilet seat, this is where I stop because if I don’t I’ll never be okay.