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Whenever I’m honestly sick I don’t want to throw up. You’d think being bulimic when your body is mad and throws up food it would make life easier, nope. It does not. It’s terrible.

There are days when I love me and I feel like no one can stop me but, the days I feel like a weak human filled with self hatred far out weighs the first statement. I don’t like this body, I don’t like this skin, and I don’t like this fucking weight. I can guarantee you, give you 100 dollars if I’m wrong, that I have something physical wrong with me. I can eat the most clean and healthy foods possible but my body refuses to go under a certain weight. It stop always right at that weight and I blew up right when I hit puberty, right when I started to get UTI’s every month. There is something wrong with this body and no one believes me. Whatever. Fuck you doctors I’m going to find one that believes me.

So I tweaked a back muscle when I was throwing up today…I’m always keeping it classy. I’m going to guess I have a real problem since I kept throwing up even though it hurt. (Excuse me while I point out the obvious I.E. having a problem, a duh!) What’s funny is today I went shopping for all new health stuffs so I can lose weight in a healthful manner. Buying things don’t help until I fix me. And I can’t fix me until I stop seeing someone different than who I am in the mirror. Maybe I’ll just close my eyes and run into things instead of looking in the mirror….

I haven’t been posting in a while and for that I apolgize to not only my followers but also to myself.(BTW Hey new followers!) I got food poisoning from Panda Express and from there I just started tumbling down. I had to throw up my food due to illness and from there I let the illness of Bulimia run rampant. It was a truly terrible time. I’m finally again in the state of mind to attempt to recover. My ears hurt, my jaw hurts, my stomach hurts and I fear the health of my teeth. It’s time to put my badass glasses on and kick this mother fuckers ass! Let’s go!

8 years….

In 30 days I will be 20 years old and ending my 8th year as a bulimic. (yes I did start right around my birthday) 8 years. I can’t even fathom how I let it be that bad for so long. I started being insecure about my weight when I was 9 years old, as of May 27th I will have spent more than half of my life hating the girl in the mirror. I don’t hate myself, I think that’s a common misconception with this illness, I hate how I look and I’ve tried to change it and I fail and go back to throwing up instead. I can’t live like this anymore, I just can’t do it. I need to nut up and beat 7 shades of shit out of this thing before it ruins the life I have left. So today will be the last day for the next 30 days that I will throw up. For the next 30 days I’m going to eat healthy and exercise right and beat this thing once and for all. I will probably daily bitch and moan about how I wish to purge and if you want to unfollow me, do it because for once I’m not doing anything for anyone else. This is for me and I will win.

It deeply angers

allaroundbadassery:

 and saddens me that every time I go to the newsstand every woman’s magazine in large bold letters has a caption having to do with losing weight. Even health magazines put important issues like cancer in small lettering, since when has that become a something small? Even when the cover girls talk about wanting to be healthy rather than stick thin they small type it! The way society today is just appalls me I understand that we should be a healthy weight but the ideals that they instill in us, that being thin is the most important factor in our life is disgusting. Not only does this cause self esteem issues but also hatred among other women. We all prejudge people and it doesn’t even matter if you’re skinny or if you’re heavy, someone will judge you because of their own insecurities. I wish society would stop putting an emphasis on weight and put it on just being healthy and the inner beauty of people because we all get old and our looks fade but who we are and how we treat people is what lasts. 

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